How To Get With A Smart Chick

Whether guys want to admit it or not, we like smart chicks. Even if they’re not that smart but they seem even slightly smarter than me, I’m hooked. To be honest, if they write with that girlie cursive writing with the happy faces over the i’s and j’s, I’m all good. But throw in a few big words like weltanschaung and tyromancy and I’m in love.

Claire Danes looks smart. Way smart. And she stars in movies where she gets to look smart or, in the case of The Rainmaker and U-Turn, at least as smart as trailer trash suffering from battered wives syndrome can get to look.

In her movies, Claire gets to hook up with the hunkiest of young Hollywood hunks. Guys like Leo Di Caprio and Matt Damon and Sean Penn. Let that be a lesson to you, ladies: guys like Leo Di Caprio and Matt Damon and Sean Penn dig smart chicks. Or at the very least, producers, writers and directors dig smart chicks.

For those of us who aren’t Leo Di Caprio or a producer or lack the mad skillz it takes to be a director, you might still have a chance if you pay attention to the subtle clues from Claire’s movies. They provide all the necessary ingredients to get with a smart chick.

Little Women: Claire plays Beth March, one of four pretty Victorian-era sisters in this chick flick, but unless you’re scarlet fever, you ain’t having none of Claire. Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: Infectious disease.

Home For The Holidays: Claire is 16-year-old Kitt, a strong-willed little trollop who announces that she plans to lose her virginity over the Thanksgiving Break. Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: Giblets.

To Gillian On Her 37th Birthday: Claire is Rachel, the daughter of Gillian, who is dead. Her father David can’t accept Gillian’s death and won’t move on with his life so Rachel’s aunt and uncle threaten to take him to court for custody of Rachel. Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: A court order.

Romeo + Juliet: That’s read “Romeo Plus Juliet” as in Claire Dane’s Juliet is going with Leo Di Caprio’s Romeo, a cute boy from the rival gang, and their forbidden romance only adds fuel to the murderous fire of an ongoing gang war. Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: Star-crossing, poorly calculated suicide pact.

The Rainmaker: Matt Damon portrays Rudy Baylor, an inexperienced lawyer, who takes on the Great Benefit Insurance Company who denied coverage for client Donnie Ray’s bone marrow transplant. Claire is Kelly Riker, an abused teenage wife Rudy rescues from husband Cliff (Andrew Shue). Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: Law degree, anger management issues.

U-Turn: Sean Penn is Bobby Cooper, a drifter who attempts to hideout in the creepy little town of Superior, Arizona, where he unwittingly gets sucked into a weird little web of treachery. Claire is Jenny, a trailer trash teen, who wants to be rescued by Bobby from abusive husband Toby N. Tucker (Joaquin Phoenix). Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: A sordid past, a broken down car, anger management issues.

Polish Wedding: Claire is Hala, the daughter of old school Polish-Americans. She sneaks out night-after-night for naughty little romps with the good-looking neighbor man Roman (Adam Trese). When she gets knocked up, her parents force she and Roman to marry. Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: High sperm count, shotgun-toting in-laws.

Les Miserables: Claire is Cossette, the daughter of a whore who Valjean, an escaped convict on the lamb from the long arm of 19th Century French law, raises as his own child. Later, Cosette falls for Marius (Hans Matheson), a teenage militant rabblerouser in Revolutionary France who inadvertently tips off Le Man to Valjean’s whereabouts. Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: Political righteous indignation.

Mod Squad: Claire is Julie Barnes, a young woman being sent up the river for assault. Capt. Adam Greer offers her the option to become an undercover cop with two other reprobates, arsonist Linc Hayes (Omar Epps) and thief Pete Cochrane (Giovanni Ribisi).
Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: A criminal record.

Brokedown Palace: One night in Bangkok, Alice (Claire) and Darlene (Kate Beckinsdale), two randy teenagers, hook up with Nick (Daniel Lapaine), who convinces them to take a jaunt with him over to Hong Kong. Once there, Nick disappears and the girls become embroiled in a drug trafficking plot. Necessary ingredient to get with a smart chick: Australian accent.