Monday, January 22, 2007

The Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space 02.18.00

Ladies. Let me hep you to a little secret. That pimple-faced boy who sits behind you in geo-trig, breathing funny and reading a dog-eared, highlighted and underlined copy of Stranger in a Strange Land is not the dork you think he is. He’s a sexual dynamo, a cauldron of raging hormones, obsessed on one thing and one thing only: sex… and interplanetary travel… and bending time and space… and Azimov’s laws of robotics… and which Rush album is better, Hemispheres or 2112. But, he does think about sex a lot.

All you have to do is look at his video collection as evidence. You can skip past Marillion: Live from Loreley, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and More Dirty Debutantes #86, and head right to the volumes of sci-fi flicks and taped-from-television episodes of Dr. Who. You’ll begin to see a recurring theme in almost every science fiction classic. Amid the special effects and quasi-scientific theories, there is a whole lot of hotties. Whether mini-kirted, leather-clad or fully nude, the universe of sci-fi is populated by honeys. Born from the minds of dorks with overactive imaginations and understimulated pineal glands.

I know. I breathe funny, too. And in my desk drawer is a dog-eared, highlighted and underlined copy of The Artificial Kid.

The Absolute Sexiest Women in Science Fiction

1. Natasha Henstridge as “Sil” in Species and Species II.

2. Julie Newmar as “Eleen” in Star Trek Episode 32. Friday’s Child.

3. Carrie-Anne Moss as “Trinity” in The Matrix.

4. Sigourney Weaver as “Ripley” in Alien, Aliens, Alien3, and Alien: Resurrection.

5. Dorothy Stratten as “Galaxina” in Galaxina.

6. Caroline Munro as “Stella Star”in Star Crash.

7. Sean Young as “Chani” in Dune and “Rachael” in Blade Runner.

8. Majel Barrett Roddenberry as the voice of the computer on the Star Trek TV series.

9. Yvonne Craig as “Dr. Marjorie Bolen” in Mars Needs Women.

10. Diana Rigg as “Miss Emma Peel” in The Avengers.

The Unlikeliest Yet Strangely Sexy Women in Science Fiction

1. Zsa Zsa Gabor as “Talleah,” apparently a Hungarian Venutian, in Queen of Outer Space.

2. June Lockheart as “Maureen Robinson”--the mom!--on the Lost in Space TV series.

3. Renee Soutendijk as robot “Eve VIII,” whose out-of-control libido may detonate a nuclear weapon, in Eve of Destruction.

4. Allison Hayes as the heartbroken and gigantic “Nancy Archer” in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.

5. Linda Hamilton as the musclebound psychotic “Sarah Connor” in Terminator 2.

The Greatest Titles For Sexy Sci-Fi Films

1. The Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space: A bevy of bunnies from a planet without men invade an earthbound high school to find mates, incurring the wrath of jealous local teenage girls who declare war on the invaders.

2. Beach Babes From Beyond: Three alien bimbos crashland their sports-spaceship in Malibu and enter a bikini contest to help save Beatnik Bud’s beach pad.

3. I Was A Teenage Sex Mutant: Curvy professor, Ms. Xenophia (Judy Landers) enlists nerdy Wesley for an extra credit research project that turns him into the Big Man On Campus. Also stars Troy Donahue and scream queens Ginger Lynn Allen, Michelle Bauer and Linnea Quigley .

4. Cat Women of the Moon: A hostile tribe of “cat women” who live on the dark side of the moon, wear leotards and perform sexy dance rituals, telepathically enslave a squad of intrepid male space explorers.

5. Fire Maidens from Outer Space: Beautiful young women, descended from the lost tribe of Atlantis, reside on the thirteenth moon of Jupiter where they perform sexy dance rituals before they are rescued from the Black God by a squad of intrepid male space explorers.

6. My Stepmother Is An Alien: An alien in distress travels to earth in the bodily form of Kim Basinger seeking the help of a radio astrophysicist who falls in love with her.

7. Devil Girl From Mars: A comely Martian girl disturbs vacationing travelers at a quaint Scottish bed and breakfast by explaining that her home planet desperately needs good man-stock to breed. But, what makes her devilish?

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