Monday, January 22, 2007

Movie Review: Independence Day 2 Stars

Independence Day. ID4.
All the DVD goodies on the planet can’t save this alien stinker

This movie didn’t have to be this bad -- genocidal aliens have sent an attack force to earth to exterminate mankind, for the love of Mike! But apparently Universal Soldier wunderkind Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich don’t think that was enough. Sure, humanity has thirty-six hours to unite via Ham radio and launch a counterattack on the aliens, but that’s nothing compared to all the time we can waste on “character development.” Why, there’s 400 different intersecting storylines that must be tied up before we can get to more pressing matters -- like SPACE LIZARDS WITH ATOMIC DEATH RAYS BLOWING UP THE WHITE HOUSE!

But wait… first, we have to really get to know the single-mom stripper (Vivica A. Fox) who goes to work during the end of the world. And, of course, Old Jew (Judd Hirsch) and Old Fag (Harvey Fierstein), two of the most offensive stereotypes since Stepin Fechit. ID4 must give The Committee to Elect Al Gore hope because in it, Bill Pullman, the most boring man on the planet, was elected President. Remaining consistent in the casting, the most boring woman on the planet, Mary McDonnell plays the First Lady the exact same way she plays an Sioux Indian…as an imbecile.

By the way, at this point, the ten largest cities on Earth have been destroyed by battle cruisers TEN MILES IN CIRCUMFERENCE!

And we haven’t even gotten to drunken cropduster Randy Quaid, a former Vietnam Vet who was abducted and molested by aliens decades ago and has been trying to warn his fellow Earthlings ever since. Does that sound like an interesting character? Yes. Is it? No. Quaid is little more than Walter Matthau’s character in Earthquake. And, of course, Lieutenant Drunky Drunkerson has a family that we are introduced to as well.

The other two marginally interesting characters -- Scientist Who Saves the World, Jeff Goldblum and His Ex-Wife Who Happens to Be The President’s Aide, Margaret Colin -- are interesting because James Cameron created them. They are carbon copies of Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in The Abyss, down to the wonderful performances they turn in.

In the meantime, Chicago, Atlanta, and Dallas are RUBBLE!

The only one who seems to get the message in this flick is Will Smith who “can’t wait to get out there and kick E.T.’s butt.” Only Smith and the special effects, make ID4 watchable.

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