Movie Review: Disturbing Behavior 3 ½ Stars

In Cradle Bay, Dr. Caldicott has found a cure for adolescence with a procedure that is somewhere between lobotomy, brainwashing and Prozac. Caldicott offers the parents of Cradle Bay an opportunity to convert their rebellious teens into well-heeled, well-adjusted, well-groomed youths. And he gives every teenager what they really want: a sense of belonging. Conformity. To the point of zombie-like allegiance to the value systems espoused by the Blue Ribboners, the school’s cultural elite ruling class of straight A+ glee clubbers. Glee clubbers who turn murderous. Hurray!

Part Children Of The Corn, part Stepford Children, Disturbing Behavior is the greatest cheesy teenage horror flick of all time.

The script from writer Scott Rosenberg is hipper than Carson Daly, Dawson’s Creek and an issue of Raygun combined. Every line uttered absolutely drips with the kind of wit and references that no one, especially a teenager, has at their disposal -- except maybe Dennis Miller, and even he has a staff of writers. I was a teenager not too long ago, and I remember most of my witty repartee usually had something to do with your mother.

Sample dialogue:
Rachel: Yeah, he thinks some sinister force is at work in Cradle Bay.
Steve: Sinister force?
Rachel: Yeah, you know, nowhere to turn. No one to trust. Altogether ooky.

Not exactly “you’re a goddamn bloodsucking creature of the night. Wait til Mom finds out!” from The Lost Boys, but close. Or how about the Williamsonian:

Gavin: Mr. Newberry here has got the full-on Boo-Radley-village-idiot-Quasimodo thing going, don't you, Mr. Newb?

Mr. Newb (William Sadler) saves the day, by the way.

Katie Holmes is a hottie -- as is Natassia Maltke, Michelle Skalnik, Lalaina Lindberg, Crystal Cass and Fiona Scott. Jimmy Marsden stars as town newcomer Steve Clark, Nick Stahl as pothead Gavin Strick , who’s on to the devious plot and Bruce Greenwood plays Dr. Caldicott.

No Friday night sleepover should be without this masterpiece.

In the words of Katie Holmes’ Rachel Wagner: “Sounds razor!”