Kirsten Dunst Sucks! From Pre-Teen Vampiress to Deep Throat

For all of her seventeen years, Kirsten Dunst has seen and done a whole hell of a lot. I mean, how many little women of any age have been infected with vampirism by the canines of Tom Cruise?

Kirstin has unwittingly unleashed a manic Robin Williams and a herd of wild animals onto a smalltown in Jumanji and nearly been shanghaied in a foiled kidnapping attempt by The Commando Elite in Small Soldiers. She was Fifteen and Pregnant in last year’s celebrated Lifetime Original Movie and fifteen and hormonally-charged in this year’s The Virgin Suicides.

She was the powder keg that ignited a very fake war in the prophetic satire Wag The Dog, the gun-toting daughter of libertarian Randy Weaver in Ruby Ridge: An American Tragedy, the voice of Anastasia, Becky Thatcher and Kiki of Kiki’s Delivery Service.

This summer, she’ll play beauty contestant Amber Atkins in the smalltown politics send-up Drop Dead Gorgeous, and, in a comic spin on the events of Watergate, Kirsten will play Betsy Jobs -- a White House intern who inadvertently leaks the Nixon tapes -- the notorious Deep Throat.

Hey, whatever happened to Coogan’s Law? When I was seventeen, I tried to figure out ways to get out of working and drank wine out of bags in front of the Quik Mart.

Kirsten Dunst is like that girl in high school who was beautiful, smart, involved in blood drives and reading to underprivileged children, but, to make matters worse, was really, really sweet on top of it all. And probably dating some college guy off at State.

She and Natalie Portman and Anna Paquin and Christina Ricci would all drive together in Kirsten’s 1998 Volkswagen Beetle to Brad Renfro’s “cools” party -- his parents went to Hilton Head for the weekend. And when I talk to any one of them, but especially Kirsten, they don’t openly diss me like Katie Holmes and Lacey Chabert, but instead, smile politely and think to themselves that it was really sweet Brad invited a special needs student and hope that Elijah Wood shows up soon.

That is the thing about Kirsten. Not only is she a good actress. She’s one of a small handful of young actresses who possess a certain high school “overachieverness” that will insure longevity in Hollywoods. She is to The Williamson Generation what Jodie Foster was to the Brat Pack.

In the meantime, I will continue drinking wine from a bag and trying to figure out how to get out of working. I am to The Williamson Generation what Jodie Foster was to The Little Girl That Lives Down The Lane.